just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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