I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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