i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
