i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
