Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
