I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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