She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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