my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
