A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize