you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
