better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
