the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
