I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
