my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
