According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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