I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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