Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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