You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
