i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
