this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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