I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
