I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
