Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Randomize
