Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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