I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
