All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
