You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
