I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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