Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
