I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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