My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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