I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
