FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
