Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
