sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I supernannyed him into submission
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
