I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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