Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
