he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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