wanna go halves on a baby?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
