Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
