I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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