I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
