You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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