Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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