I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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