you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
