That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
