The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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