i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
