Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
