I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
