I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i will never coherently bang her
nutella sex= disaster
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
