I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize