So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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