please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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