The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
