Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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