I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
