Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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