I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
