Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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