The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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