Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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