i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
