Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
