U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
